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How to be alone.
I absolutely love this.
If only I had the luxury of wanting to be alone. I’ve been alone so long the word “lonely” is precious compared to what I am. That essay is about how to be ok being alone, and I understand completely how some people need to learn that: Most people probably. I’m not trying to diminish that. I’m only giving you a glimpse at the other end of the spectrum. Circumstance has made me so ok with being alone that I’ve nearly forgotten how to be around people. This aloneness has created an insecurity that I don’t think I will ever shake. I don’t believe people truly like me. That seems the obvious conclusion an intelligent, never-been-kissed, 21 year old with only two lasting friends would make. But I like myself; I love myself to the point of conceit. I’m not flawless, but I love my flaws. I am completely accepted in my realm of self. Why would I leave a place where anxiety, insecurity, misunderstanding, and fear don’t exist? I leave only enough so that society accepts me as one of their own: So I’m not deemed a hermit, unsociable, or unstable. I don’t enjoy these outings usually. I think about how many books need reading in my bed, how many pictures need drawing, how many movies need watching, how many hours need sleeping. I think all these things while I’m out with friends (most of whom, of course, I don’t believe truly like me even though logic tells me otherwise). Even if, in retrospect, I’m glad I went out; perhaps I had fun or made nice memories, I still don’t want to go out again, but I know I will make myself. If you really want to know “How to be alone,” just be fucking alone. You’ll figure it out.
